There are days when a person just needs to be surrounded by strangers. I don’t mean meetable strangers, like people at a party who might want to socialize with you. I mean, going to an area with people who do not know you and do not wish to know you. Just enough people to know the zombie apocalypse hasn’t hit, but not so many people that you need to expend any portion of one’s social battery. It’s the reason I love airports, traveling, and ecological fieldwork. Not only do I not know anyone, but I can reasonably claim to not have cell service.
I’m currently semi-recreating this situation. I’ve come to my favorite cafe, Crepeccino, and left my cellphone behind at the lab–rather an impressive feat that I found my way without a GPS, though it’s more of a testament to how often I come here than to any geographical awareness on my part.
My fellow customers consist of a couple with a kid who played peek-a-boo with me earlier much to my delight and the mother’s chagrin; a group of adults with a man whose voice is at least three degrees louder than anybody else’s even though he is not yelling (he impressively has not ceased speaking the entire hour I have been here); and a couple with a young guy who has the same haircut as my brother…I’m not sure if it is him or not. My face blindness spits curses at the fact that all 19-year-olds sport the same poofy curls.
So, why have I fled to a stranger-filled spot? Well, it’s been a little stressful lately.
Microaggressions–but not in the way you think
Truth be told, I’m partially hiding from my family. I made the mistake of bringing up a stressful part of work. One might classify it as microaggressions–but not in the traditional context. I am 99% sure that whatever thoughts and implications have arisen in your mind, reader, is not at all what I am talking about.
It is a pervasive, but not recognized issue that only others in similar lines of work as me know about (and even then, some have no idea). Whenever I bring it up to anyone outside–like my family–I expend a great deal of mental energy defending that it is even a phenomena at all. And it’s all so subtle that I wind up sounding crazy even to myself. I know it’s vague, but at a relatively vulnerable stage in my career that’s all I will say.
My point is. Battling this phenomena is exhausting enough. Battling to prove that I experience it at all is crippling. And it is a battle that I have brought into my very home. I have fled temporarily. Left my phone at the lab so when my mom checks my location, she won’t call me back home for dinner.
A Potential Trip to Korea…or Not?
If anyone was made for flying stand-by, it’s me. I’m spontaneous, booking trips on a whim and going with nothing except maybe hotel reservations for a couple days.
That doesn’t mean I’m immune from the stress.
There’s a capoeira event in the Korean studio I want to go to. Do I ask for permission to go without any assurance that I’ll be able to make it (not that many empty seats this time of year)? How do I tell my Korean friends to set aside some time for me, if I’m not even sure I’ll be able to make it on the flight? I’ve left it in God’s hands. Thursday is decision day…God’s Will be done.
Honestly, I have a feeling…a strong one, that everything will work out in my favor. Three more days to see if I’ve appropriately embraced the discernment of spirits.
Learning Korean
Speaking of Korean…earlier today I was writing a blog-style post and I was astonished at the my limitations in the language. I was telling the story of my first encounter with birds, the moment at 12 years old that changed the trajectory of my life. My original English post is descriptive and narrative: “I crept carefully around the backyard, gauging whether I was approaching or leaving the sound, until I located the source”.
My Korean version goes something like this: We moved to a different city. One day, I heard a strange sound from a tree. What was that sound? I watched the tree and saw a bird!
But as the frustration grew I had two thoughts. 1) Writing is a skill. One that I have, in English, been purposefully cultivating for over a decade. And I’m grateful I have.
2) Why in the world am I so dedicated to learning Korean anyways?
I don’t want to be just conversational. I want to master the language, a language that is objectively not as influential as French or Mandarin. And is just enjoying the food and having Korean friends really a reason to dedicate ginormous portions of my life to its language? To aim to move there for a year as an avian researcher?
Actually, my dedication to Korea has nothing to do with logic. It’s just a feeling. I remember when I was touring colleges, as soon as I stepped foot on what would become my alma mater, I felt it. This was home. I belonged here. It’s a feeling that did not replicate itself in any other university I visited. The day I first set foot in Korea, there was a rather similar feeling…
Perhaps this post reveals a little bit too much about myself. Hiding from family, face blindness, my Catholic faith, secret troubles at work, a trip I haven’t requested leave for because I’m unsure if it will even happen. I’ll hold off on publishing for a couple days to see if any common sense needs to kick in. I have to hold off anyways, because I can’t log into my icloud photos without two-factor identification and my phone is blissfully far away. But if I do end up publishing this, it’s because I refuse to hide for the sake of a career.
I will excel in my career. And I will do it as myself.
Anyways, a new couple has taken the place of my brother’s doppleganger. Since they show no signs of toning down the PDA, I take my leave.
Bird Lover's Musings 