Today was a pretty monumental day. After months and months of preparation, I finally popped the question. I’d reserved the room, sent all the invites, rehearsed the words. I spent half an hour picking out my clothes, arranging my hair just right, even dabbed on a bit of rarely touched makeup before heading to campus.
It was proposal day.
Research proposal day, I mean.
The day to present my research proposal–a 30-or-so page document detailing all the research that has ever been done on microplastics and birds and how I, the brand new graduate student, would be addressing the research gaps–to my committee of three very smart professors.
When I told a friend I was working on my proposal, he asked, slightly confused…are you getting married?
In the moment, I laughed. A research proposal I clarified. I’m nowhere near ready to get married, I said. What a ridiculous notion. However, I have since realized, that the notion is not altogether ridiculous. In fact, the answer is YES. I am getting married.
I am getting married to academia.
The Logical Voice Warns Against Academia
And even though there’s a voice in my head, screaming…warning me…begging me to call the wedding off…Academia is no good for you, it says! I pay no heed.
You’ll struggle with funding constantly! And then pay to have your papers published!
Shrugs
No, set work hours! More than 40 hours!
Meh
Ungrateful students! Weird ideological agendas! Fighting for tenure!!!
I can get through it
A rational little voice warns me off all the pitfalls that await me in academia. I have met more than my fair share of overwhelmed, slightly depressed graduate students. I have also met more than a few professors with weird attachments to power and others who are generally just not good people. And there’s also slightly concerning ideological agendas at play.
Science Education is the Logical Choice…
It’s not like academia is my only option either. The little rational voice reminds me that I’ve been working in science education for the past two years. Sure, education has some pitfalls, but nowhere near as upsetting as the pitfalls of academia. The pay is better in education anyways.
I should choose science education. It’s basic pros and cons. But as simple as it seems, I ignore this rational little voice, because unbelievably and undeniably I, Mariel Ortega, author of The Bird Lovers Musings, am…
IN. LOVE.
I am head over heels for research…
I am in love with research.
Of all the ridiculous things.
I should marry science education. There he is, on one knee, telling me how happy he is for all the years we’ve spent together. In Minnesota as a field trip coordinator volunteer, online as a science education writer, and these past two years in Texas as a freelance science educator. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of my working years together.
Mr. Science Education is richer than Dr. Academia. Mr. Science Education is less possessive than Dr. Academia. Mr. Science Education has been my boyfriend for the past two years.
But.
Education is practical, not exciting
The truth of the matter is Mr. Science Education is just plain boring. He does not challenge me. He does not stretch my horizons. He follows the same routine every single day.
And sure, I see Dr. Academia’s flaws. He’s a little greedy, sometimes doesn’t have people’s best interests in mind. And, you know, he’s quite demanding, he has to be married for passion not for luxury. And sometimes that passion is hard to hold on to when loving him means staring through a microscope for eight hours a day or traipsing through Texas in 100 degree weather.
Again, basic pros and cons.
What Academia has going for it
But Dr. Academia has something Mr. Science Education lacks. Dr. Academia engages my intellect, he challenges me to a higher standard. He gives me the tools to better the world, or at least play my small part in bettering the world. He promises new knowledge, always, beyond anything anyone has ever seen. (Though I hear this sentiment doesn’t last long…)
Double-timing Education and Academia
Confession time. I have been cheating on Mr. Science Education. I guess after college, even though we broke up, I retained some feelings for Dr. Academia. You could say we were more on a break than a break-up. Still, in my attempt to move on, I went all in with Mr. Science Education and he treated me well. After all, watching students’ eyes light up with understanding, listening to their shouted answers always left me with a smile on my face.
It wasn’t enough.
One year into my relationship with Mr. Science Education, I called up Dr. Academia. He’d put up a tantalizing job post, an opportunity made just for me. A graduate assistantship looking at birds and microplastics in San Antonio.
I applied.
And then I had the interview. And Dr. Academia presented me to a professor who met all my high expectations for a PI (principal investigator). Advocate for her students, hands-off but willing to help, patient and at ease. I told myself it meant nothing, I went back to Mr. Science Education.
And when Dr. Academia did call and offered me the graduate position, I thought. Well, I can have both at once, can’t I?
Making the Leap: Quitting Science Education
These past six months, I have been simultaneously seeing both Mr. Science Education and Dr. Academia. I maintained my position as a contract educator at an education and outreach center while I dove straight into my first semester of grad school. It’s too much and I have made the decision to quit the education and outreach center position.
I can’t say that anything disastrous ever happened. There were a couple times when I called in last-minute to let the center know I wouldn’t be able to do a presentation that day, but overall it was pretty smooth sailing.
Emotionally, however, I did not like having two sets of bosses. Having to choose who to say yes to and who to say no to when both asked me to be present is not my cup of tea. Proud Hufflepuff here!
Thinking long-term…which of these two positions most benefits me? Well, if I want to stay in academia–which I have come to accept I do–then going all in with grad school is the best choice. Besides the education center is a 35 minute drive away while campus is a mere five minute drive.
Suddenly the pros and cons have switched. And so, I present to you: me, current grad student and fiancé to Dr. Academia, the future Dr. Bird Lover’s Musings.
I guess you could say I have finally found the thesis of my life. I happily relay that the proposal went well. I was congratulated on my strong writing skills by all three professors and we addressed together the weak points of my methods. I passed. Next up is actually executing the project. More on that soon!
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Bird Lover's Musings 